Could Have
by ellibobelli
Summary: Jasper's POV, right after the party in New Moon. Him musing over the could haves, the ifs, and the things that he was now the cause of. Read and Review?


Why? Why did I have to be the weakest of them, why did I have to be the one that nearly killed Bella? My lack of interest in the diet, my care for real human blood overpowered me in that single second. I couldn't see anything but the little ooze of sticky liquid; I couldn't smell anything but the sweet fragrance that was radiating from Bella like an omen. _I needed it._ But I could have killed her – I would have had to leave the family, leave and start all over again. Being a vegetarian was too hard for me – I couldn't take it anymore.

"Jasper?" A gentle voice pulled me from my contemplations. I looked up warily from my position on the ground of the woods. The sun was barely visible anymore, and the evident stars weren't as bright as they seemed. The moon peeked from behind treetops, full and vivid. It was twilight – what was supposed to be the safest time for my kind. I sighed as Rosalie sat carefully next to me. I leaned back into the harsh bark of the tree, closing my eyes. I stopped breathing; I could still smell Bella's compelling scent lingering. It seemed to be hovering above my head wherever I went. "I know you feel bad, Jasper. But…" Rosalie trailed, trying to control her voice. Anger was rising in it precariously, and her tone had a ruthless edge to it. She wasn't exactly happy about my outburst at the party. At least it wasn't Edward; I could only image what he was thinking right now.

I took a deep breath and pressed my fingers to my temples. "I feel so terrible, Rose. If I could only control my stupid thirst…" My voice began to rise, also, and irritation flashed through my system. Calming wouldn't do anything at this point.

"I know it's hard. But, why? How could you do that?" I glanced at Rosalie, who was sitting with her back away from me. She had her knees pulled into chest, and her long, golden curls were sticking to the rough tree. I stared at her back, musing. I thought she didn't care about Bella. Why did _she_ feel the need to come back for me?

"I've been asking myself the same thing." I responded simply, moving my lips quickly. I couldn't wallow in self-pity anymore. I stood and brushed the leaves and sticks from my pants. The moon had risen higher in the sky, and the stars shone dimly through the trees. Rosalie turned her head my way and glared at me for a brief moment before speaking.

"Edward is already thinking of leaving, Jasper. Alice already saw it – he thinks that it would be better for Bella, safer for her. He suggested that you and Alice go first, then us, then him last. We won't be coming back. You can blame yourself for that." She stood and ran back toward the house. I stared after, anguishing her. And myself – it _would_ be my fault. And we _would_ have to move, just to keep her safe. But I already knew what would happen – there were two scenarios. One, she would move on, be happy without Edward, find a _real_ and alive person to be happy with. This wasn't likely. Case two: She would fall into depression and not care about trying to find anyone anymore. She would hold onto the memories of us, cling to the fading pictures that we would leave her with in her mind. I figured this was more probable. And Edward wouldn't be much different from her.

A twig cracked somewhere off in the distance, then the woods resumed its restful silence. I hadn't drank anything in awhile – with the whole incident and everything. I took a long sniff into the air, and recognized the scent as a deer. The ordinary. Maybe if I slipped just once, found a human to kill, it wouldn't matter. It would be just once; just to get my mind off all the "ifs" and could haves, and to stop the unbearable craving I was having.

I shook off the thought and began to run. Running was so natural, so easy for me. I wasn't the fastest – that was Edward – but I really enjoyed it when I ran. It gave me time to think and just feel free of everything. The wind blowing, light and easy, and the cool air whipping softly against my face. It was so normal, like waking up in the morning for a human, or going to bed at night. The woods rang with the uneasy silence, flying past me in blurs. I effortlessly dodged from trees, reaching the deer in a matter of seconds.

I didn't even bother to stop and think what I was doing. I didn't stop running – I merely sprang, clenching my razor sharp teeth into the animal's neck. It fell limp under me within the first second of the bite. I drank the blood from it, gulping it down fast to not taste the strange flavor of it. Its blood was nothing compared to even the scent of Bella's. The deer's was dry, bitter, as it flowed into my mouth and down my throat. I continued to drink, though, to satisfy the horrible thirst and make the time pass quicker. It was getting increasingly later, and I was sure Edward would come to find me eventually. He already had a small burst while Carlise was stitching Bella up, but I knew more was coming.

When the deer was drained of blood, I disposed of it, and continued to run. I found a stream, and followed it for long time. The sound of the water flowing easily was soothing, calming me quite considerably. I chose not to think of anything in particular, letting my mind course free the whole time. I'm not even sure of what I did think – I was hardly there mentally. I didn't stop until I was conscious of someone running behind me. I knew it was coming, and I prepared myself, pushing calm rays out. Edward caught up with me easily.

"Stop." I obeyed him, coming to an abrupt stop. He ran in front of me, cutting me off from walking forward any. The woods seemed to stop, too, waiting anxiously. The silence was almost agonizing. Edward stared at me with black eyes, dead and angry. I kept sending calmness his way as anger was building up around him. He seemed entirely too mad, though. It was like he was snapping my margins in half, refusing to accept calmness; stepping right through the boundaries of my power. "Why?" He seemed prone to asking simple things, to pry the truth from me.

I answered him minimally, keeping my answer more or less cryptic. "You know why."

He took it with a deep breath. A frown etched his face, like it was permanently there. "You should have been able to control yourself." I looked down and stopped breathing. "You need to be more committed – what if you killed her?" He yelled, breaking the tense silence. The trees appeared to move back slightly at his sudden eruption.

"You don't think that I haven't been tossing that idea around my head all night? Do you think I _wanted_ to do that her?" I knew what I was saying was true. I did care for Bella. I had to keep myself controlled around her, even if that meant staying as far as possible from her. She was incredibly sweet, a little sister I never had. I didn't remember much from my human life, not my childhood at least. It was nice having Bella around, being the clumsy human who could bring action to the boring life our kind had to suffer through for eternity. I had a feeling she wanted to get to know me better, but was to shy to ask me upfront. She was even slightly shocked when the unspoken truce we had come to – the one where I acknowledged her, maybe spoke briefly to her – was broken during the trip to Phoenix.

"Dammit, Jasper! You just about _killed_ Bella! You have to have more to say than just _that._" He was quieter now, but his words were harsh and chimed with an unmistakable hate. Edward took a step toward me, his hands clenching into fists. I stopped trying to care about calming him – _my_ temper was rising, and I knew he was just breaking though what I was sending him.

"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? I feel terrible for what I did?" I _could_ say those things, and I mean them. But I felt like I should be saying more. Something less shallow and more…profound.

"It's a start." He sneered the three simple words, crossing his arms across his chest. I didn't have anything to say. I was speechless. Edward had a tendency to overreact, especially when it came to Bella. She was his life, his everything. And I almost took that away from him. I rolled the thought around once more in my head, suppressing the sudden urge to run, and never come back. To leave the home I knew and leave my family. I could have been the reason Bella died, and I was going to be the reason why our family was being torn apart. Ripped at the fragile seams.

I _could have_ killed Bella. But I didn't. I needed to stop thinking the negative and start planning on my new life. Alice would see, and would reluctantly agree.

"Yes. When are you planning on going?" I hadn't noticed that Edward was nodding his head. _Dammit. _I forgot that he could read my thoughts.

"Soon. I'll talk to Alice." He continued to nod his head slowly, his temper fleeting. The air lightened slightly, and everything let its shoulders down, dropping the contents onto mine. Edward sighed, giving me one last glare. His eyes were empty and dead. He turned and ran, brushing against me as he passed. I followed his blurring figure, staying planted to the cold ground. He was running toward the house, but I felt I shouldn't return for a while. Like I wasn't welcome.

A delicately beating heart caught my attention. It was near, fluttering somewhere above me. A bird – strange. They normally weren't out this late. I looked up, but the sky was so dark, it was hard to see anything. The moon was glowing vibrantly, shining the woods. I walked, continuing to listen to the gentle heartbeat. The stream flowed beside me, quiet, and sympathized with me. I walked, not ran, farther away from the house. Farther away from my home, my family, Bella…

A hand slipped into mine, intertwining our fingers. The heartbeat I was concentrating on faded into the background as I looked down on Alice. Her skin was almost glowing in the supple moonlight. She smiled up at me, and I smiled back down on her. Her eyes burned into mine, saying everything that was needing to be said. Like our own conversation that not even Edward could hear. She already saw my decision to leave, and I could see that she supported me, however much she didn't want to. She leaned onto her toes, and kissed me lightly. This was going to be a long night of deliberating…

**(A/N) Wow. This was suprisingly difficult to write. Jasper seems so...complex. But it was an enjoyable challenge. Could you review, please? It'll make me really happy... :) **


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